crushed

Well, it happened again. Evaluation time. After waiting the allotted ten days plus one week, I asked my principal how my observation went. She said, "How do you think it went?"

"i thought it was fantastic. As well as possible. but what matters is what you think, because that's what goes in my personnel file."

Let's back up. For any folks who are here out of curiosity, and don't know about the teacher evaluation process, it goes like this. One person (administrator) observes your teaching for 40 minutes, then grades you. that's it. One person decides if you are a satisfactory teacher.

So, my principal says..."I am waffling back and forth between 'satisfactory' and 'highly satisfactory.'
I was nauseous. I had put weeks into preparing this lesson. Typed three pages of the state standards, one for each of the three grades I teach. I followed the district-mandated curriculum to the letter, and improved and modified it to suit the interests and attention spans of my "emotionally Disturbed" (I hate that term, it makes me think of the sanitariums at the turn of last century. I envision straight jackets, strange drugs, lobotomies, and other horrific tools used by the mental health profession in days gone by.)

I was about to hurl seven apples, and tears lurked behind my eyeballs. I'm a teacher. I was a straight A student all through grammar school, high school, college, and grad school. and here i am being told that my best work is between a B- and C-level. Our evaluation system has five outcomes; 'Outstanding', 'highly satisfactory,' 'satisfactory', 'needs improvement', and 'unsatisfactory'. In teacherly fashion, I equate these terms with letter grades: A, B, C, D, and F.

So here i sit, powerless, while I am told that my work is at B or C-level. this is the worst feeling a teacher can have. I have read of suicides triggered by teacher evaluations, and I could relate. I was crushed. this was personal. I was being judged with no jury. and it hurt to have my hard work torn apart. work that took me away from my family on weekends and evenings. Work that drained my energy and left me a bitter shell when I got home to my family at the end of each day. Work that left me with a back injury that has put me out of golf for 3 months. Work that doesn't even pay enough and that our culture doesn't appreciate.

I left the office with a joke, kept it light, and then went home and cried. Oh, and I downloaded a "leave of absence" form. It's due next week. I have to think fast.